In general, men haven't arrived at the discussion table (let alone collectively change their behavior). Getting them involved has often been regarded as being "too hard" (or simply "not our problem").
Here are ten solutions. They are not always easy or obvious, but they have proven to be successful. We need to:
1 Create conversations where it's clear that men are going to be honored, rather than made fun of or spoken about like they're nothing but dangerous. Men are used to getting lynched in discussions about sexuality, gender and relationships, and as a consequence they avoid the topics. We have to find our compassion and love for men if we want them to step into the dialog. And if we're going to invite them to participate in a debate about about gender, then that exchange has to be genuinely interested in both men's and women's perspectives.
We have to admit that those of us in the progressive movement often have deeply entrenched and negative views about men and male sexuality, and that this keeps men from engaging.
2 Teach men the difference between the level of pleasure they're used to, and the level of pleasure that is possible. A lot of men mistakenly believe that the sex they're having is as good as it gets, because that's what we keep telling them - "Heterosexual sex is patterned around men's pleasure". In some ways, women are going to have to teach men about what is possible, since (in general) women are well ahead on this one.
3 Put the eradication of homophobia near the top of our social change agenda; homophobia is not just about sex, but about a broader fear of male-male intimacy. The upshot is that men can't even sit together in a room and have a meaningful conversation about their sexuality with one another. And behavior-change won't happen until men can talk and process their experiences.
Individually, yes, men need to face up to their homophobia, but culturally we need to work on it too (and until we do, our culture will just continue to create homophobic individuals). It'll be a major global evolution when men are free to share intimate space with one another - whether it's sexual or not - to the same extent that women often do. We need to stop shrugging off the issue and saying "It's a mens' problem, men can deal with it"; men can't deal with it, because they can't even get together to discuss it. It's a catch-22.
4 Show men how to be supportive, not competitive. There is a huge difference in the way we condition men to relate to men compared to how women relate to women, and again, women are going to need to share what they know. Men are going to have to be willing to learn, and they are going to love it when they discover what they've been missing.
5 Affirm, a hundred times over, that a man's interest in sex is perfectly valid and beautiful. That his sex drive is gorgeous, good for him, good for his partners, and good for the world. We can't do anything for men's sexual empowerment while we secretly think that men are sleazy, oversexed, and dangerous. If you're supportive of women reclaiming the word 'slut' (and the whole culture of sex-positivity that goes with it), how ready are you to support men in reclaiming their 'sleaze'? Would you stand up against sleaze-shaming?
6 Relieve men of the cultural pressure to already know everything. Show them the joy of asking questions, of being curious. Teach them that a good lover - male or female - is one that is willing to admit that they know very little, and is willing to simply run experiments in bed and watch the feedback. To do this, we're going to have to notice just how freely and consistently we criticize men's sexual performance, as if they should know better; we're going to have to find ways of having the discussion about male sexuality with more positivity and compassion. Constantly speaking about male sexuality in critical terms doesn't make for a good learning environment.
7 Stop telling men that they need to be like someone else, and encourage them instead to get better at being their individual selves. Trying to be someone else doesn't work, and perhaps a little ironically, trying to be "what women want" doesn't really work either.
We need to continue the work we're doing to discourage sex through coercion, but we need to do it because we care about men as well as women; we need to communicate the message that coercing someone to have sex with you makes for some of the worst sex you could hope for, guarantees it won't be a recurring event, and leaves you with a self-loathing that is almost unrepairable. We also need to admit that women sometimes attach power games and manipulation to sex, and that this is contributing to a nasty sexual environment for everyone.
Success comes from being good at being yourself; knowing who you are is deeply attractive.
8 Teach men that their body is a temple, a quality product worthy of choice and discretion. It's not something to be thrown at everything that moves.
We need to understand that men currently have very little self-worth, and that encouraging it isn't a bad thing; proud people don't do bad things to others. Part of being proud of being a man involves learning to speak up when bad things are being said about men, or when men are treated unfairly in the discourse around gender and sexuality. In the same way that we expect women to speak up when they are being treated unfairly, we need to get used to the idea that men are preparing to speak up against their ill-treatment too. If we welcome the process of men finding their voice, then it won't need to be delivered with anger.
A sexual revolution for men is coming. In realising that women were sexually repressed and needed liberation, we assumed that everything was going great for men. We were massively wrong, and so while women have made some great strides forward, men have often been left a long way behind. It might not need to be a separate movement, and in a lot of ways it would be better if the women's sexual revolution simply expanded to include men, but one way or another we need to open the doors to it.
9 Admit that there is a positive side to the objectification of women, and learn how to start sharing it with men. It's much easier to step into your sexual power when there is a positive cultural pressure supporting that shift. We need to see men as wonderful sex objects. While we continue to hold the belief that "women are simply more sexy than men" (or whatever variation of that we're willing to admit to), men are always going to be at a disadvantage in finding their sexual liberation. And it is for men exactly as it is for women: We need to make sure we positively objectify people of all ages, sizes, skin types, and ability. (And, just as it is for women, we need to watch for that moment when positive objectification fails to notice negative feedback and becomes harassment).
10 Pick up our rank as educators. Don't get mad if a man doesn't know how to touch you properly; get even. Show him how. Teach him what you know. If he's not willing to learn, then let him know that's why your relationship is challenged. But be compassionate, and bear in mind he has probably not been given a good sexual education. Share your knowledge of emotions, relationships and sexuality in the same way you'd expect a good man to share his knowledge of business, his ability to do practical things, and his other privileges.
Why is the onus on us, when this is not our responsibility?
Because we - those of us that advocate gender equality and sexual liberation - almost completely control the debate. Collectively, we can fairly comfortably keep men's issues marginalised, which is what we've been doing. And no, it's not true that the patriarchy looks after men's issues; the patriarchy doesn't care about them any more than it cares about women's issues.
So it's up to us. We don't have to open the discourse up to the male experience, but if we don't, we're not going to be very successful in changing male behavior.
What's going to happen when we achieve all this, and why should we care?
The whole world is going to change. Bad male behavior, especially bad sexual behavior, is not the product of men that are empowered, proud, and know what they're doing. Rape and sexual violence (or just poor relationship skills) come from men that have been given a profoundly low level of respect for themselves and their sexuality, and so play that out on the people around them, repeating the cycle. Except for the occasional sociopath or psychopath, bad behavior isn't actually normal male behavior. Men (like all people) are amazing, given half decent circumstances.
When men learn to love who they are, each other, and the women around them, our whole world will change. But that's not going to happen until we find ways of opening up the discourse to them; at the moment, by and large, we're keeping them shut out (and in doing so, contributing to the problem).
When we look at equality and privilege as something that only women are missing out on, it's unlikely we're going to be successful in our aim of improving male behavior, because we're not seeing what's causing it. But we have the power to change the whole situation.